What is Negative Self-Talk and How Can we Overcome it?

believe in yourself sand writing

I had never heard of the term negative self-talk before, until a couple of years ago when I read a book about positivity. The book I read was called “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” and I wrote a post about it a while back, if you wish to read it here. Our inner voice is so important as to how we see ourselves and how our confidence and positivity prevails. It is hard not to criticise ourselves from time to time, or indeed, all the time. I am no stranger to negative self-talk myself so I decided to write a post about it and how I deal with it nowadays.

So what is negative self-talk and how can we overcome it? Negative self talk is the practice of mentally talking to yourself silently or aloud in a negative way. The best way to overcome it is to switch that negative talk to positive affirmations. It may be difficult at first but the more we practice, the easier it gets. When we begin to talk to ourselves positively, we become happier, more productive and confident. In order to be the best you can be, you need to build yourself up, not put yourself down and that is why you need to master the art of positive self-talk.

“You can do anything you put your mind to”. This quote sums it up in a nutshell. Confidence is everything and the more positive self-talk you can muster, the more confidence you will build. Think of yourself as your own life coach. Whenever you think a negative thought about your behaviour, turn it around immediately to a positive. This is how I trained my mind and continue to do so daily. It doesn’t necessarily happen over night, but then neither do most things you train for so keep at it and be confident it will work. It will work.

If there is a situation you are faced with where you feel stressed, overwhelmed or depressed and you start blaming your own actions, stop. Turn those negative self-talk thoughts around. Here is an example of one of my daily stresses. My 3 year old is extremely strong-willed and refuses to do what I ask regularly, on a daily basis. Whether its going to bed, sharing toys with her sister or eating her dinner. The list goes on! I sometimes lose my temper and shout. It is my own coping mechanism and even though it rarely works, I still do it all the time! It is so frustrating that I just let out a roar and I don’t know why I can’t stop it. This is a daily occurrence in my house and I used to beat myself up about it mentally. I would think to myself I’m a bad mother or I can’t cope or control my own child. This would prey on my mind every time I lost my temper and it really got me down, mentally. I noticed I would dwell on those negative thoughts long after the incident itself. This made me angry at myself, sad and worried.

After doing this regularly for a long time, I realised the actual negative self-talk aftermath was the reason I was so mentally exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed. I decided to take a leaf out of my own book and start turning those negative thoughts into positives in order to help myself and the situation. Whenever I felt the frustration and anger build up I would remind myself that I am not to blame for my 3 year olds behaviour, she is only 3 and is learning to deal with her own emotions and I am going to act calmly until this subsides. Then I will confront her at her own level by crouching down, sitting or kneeling and talk to her about it calmly. Granted, this approach doesn’t always stop the crisis she is having but it helps me to react in a stronger, calmer and more positive way. She seems to be going through a particularly bad phase at the moment and is in need of more hugs so I will even hug her after the bad behaviour. This may seem crazy to some people but others will understand that a lot of the time, they just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Sound familiar?

an angry little girl shouting

Ok, so it is human nature to act out and cry or even scream when we are upset, frustrated and angry. It is about understanding the situation rather than who is to blame or who is acting inappropriately. I read a very good pointer recently and it opened my eyes more to how children deal with things. I can’t remember where I read the unfortunately as I would love to give credit to the author ( I think they may have been a child psychologist ) but here is how it went. “Imagine you had a really bad day at work, then came home and threw your bag on the floor and started ranting to your partner. Then imagine them telling you to stop acting that way and go to your room or pick your bag up and stop whining”. Imagine it?! It seems so obnoxious and upsetting when you think of it. Now put yourself in your child’s shoes. This is how we often react when a child is acting up. Instead why not try and console them and figure out what is really bothering them. My 3 year old is only able to speak a little and can’t properly communicate so I try to be more understanding nowadays.

That is not to say I allow bad behaviour. I can identify when she is being bold and that is when I sometimes lose my temper after her. The only difference is, I accept that it is all part of their growing up and learning and also my own learning and growing as a parent. I no longer beat myself up for my mistakes. I try to deal with these emotions in a more positive way nowadays. So far it is helping and I am still working hard at it.

Here’s the thing, I still have negative feelings but I refuse to talk down to myself. If I do something I consider bad behaviour on my part such as cursing. Oops, guilty! I will mentally acknowledge the bad behaviour and repeat an affirmation such as “I won’t curse anymore when I’m angry” a few times, then calmly remind myself that this too will pass. I won’t dwell on my inability to control my outbursts but rather work towards resolving the issue. I will always follow with a positive affirmation or thought that involves happy thoughts and a positive outcome.

The are just examples of my own struggles. There are so many daily struggles that present themselves to everyone, in all walks of life. Our thoughts dominate our brains and when we dwell on the negatives, we are hindering our own progress and it is waste of time! In order to move on, help the situation and be productive, we are better to find a solution. The easiest way to do that is to process the thoughts in a positive way in our minds. This can seem impossible at first but let us start with this. Impossible is a bad word. It is negative and hints at failure immediately. There is always a way forward and that is because you don’t give up. You keep going and eventually things get better. It is how we survive and thrive.

Here is another prime example of negative self-talk. You are going for a job interview and you are second-guessing yourself. You might be thinking, there is someone better for the job, they will notice your nervousness or lack of confidence or you worry you will answer their questions incorrectly. These are often the thoughts we have when we need others’ approval or indeed fear rejection. It is our insecurities and a need to be accepted. I mastered the art of interviews in my twenties ( a while ago! ) and I usually aced them. If I didn’t, I would simply remind myself there was a better opportunity coming my way and move on. The reason I usually got the job was because I banished my negative self-talk and replaced those thoughts with positives. I would convince myself I had the job before I even got it, by picturing myself there, enjoying my new job. Then I would remind myself that I was fully capable of the job at hand and that I was a confident and well-mannered deserving candidate that they would be delighted to have on board. I would sit there and smile confidently while answering their questions and whether the answers came out well or not, I would refuse to dwell on it. Always keeping my confident poise and not letting the nervousness or awkwardness creep in. I am in fact, an introvert and I don’t have a big ego or anything. I just talk myself up rather than put myself down and it works for me!

if you stumble; make it part of the dance chalkboard

I used to dwell on negative thoughts about myself when I was a teenager and I really gave myself a complex about it. I would always compare myself to others and worry what people thought of me. This made me insecure, shy and awkward. I was a typical awkward teenager! I think back on that time and wish I knew what I do now. That your thoughts control your being. That you need to have faith in yourself, your abilities and be confident that you are good enough. Not to worry about how others perceive you and work on your inner voice. To believe in yourself and your wonderful abilities. To know that we are all equal and possess our unique talents individually. Not to be always comparing myself and trying to fit in with the herd. To embrace our differences and mainly to love ourselves can be the hardest to fathom but those qualities are gifts and our differences are what makes us ourselves. Confidence in being yourself is everything.

Once you have confidence in yourself you believe you can achieve your wildest dreams and that fuels ambition. “Believe you can and you will” is another great mantra to stick by. Believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect others to believe in you? Of course your loved ones believe in you but I’m talking about influencing others including yourself. Once you genuinely believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. Reason being, you can convince others you are capable because you are.

So next time you start talking down to yourself about this, that or the other, give yourself a break! Understand your emotions and use the negative thoughts to fuel your inner positive voice. Every time you think badly of yourself or criticise yourself, remind yourself that you are doing your best, the best is yet to come and you are a strong, confident being with tonnes of potential. Whatever problem you are facing, tackle it head on and don’t dwell on any misgivings or insecurities about your reactions or behaviour. Instead, give yourself a pat on the back and put your best foot forward. You can only do your best, but your best is the very best you can do. No one expects any more from you. Including yourself! Remember that, even if you don’t feel like you’re giving your best shot. Your best is whatever you can manage at the time. Do not beat yourself up over things. Life is way too short for that!

Now that we have covered what is negative self-talk and how can we overcome it, it is time to assess negative relationships. This is a particularly difficult one as most people have at least one or two negative or toxic people in their lives. Toxic people are often referred to as people who we need to remove from our life. In some cases, I agree. Especially if the person is mentally or physically abusive. This behaviour gets in on your mind and is hard to get away from. It is practically impossible to refrain from negative self talk if someone is abusing you. You may need counselling once you get the toxic person out of your life. If you have someone talking down to you or belittling you it is most likely because they have their own inner battle. If someone is abusive you need to remove yourself before you let them do more damage to your self esteem and wellbeing. If the person is just bothering you rather than actually mentally or physically abusing you, either talk to them about your struggle with negative self-talk and ask for their help ( this should help them realise you are in need of support and hopefully help by talking more positively ) or else keep your distance until you are at a point where they won’t affect your thoughts. If they are true friends, they will help you and it may even help them assess their own negativity and move forward positively. If not, then you no longer need them in your life. Sounds harsh but they may be holding you back. It’s sad, but there are some people who are so negative, they don’t want to see others do well and talk down to them to keep them at a lower level than them. Assess those relationships and ask yourself if they are affecting you.

Final thoughts on this are –

Be yourself and don’t hide away because of insecurities. Remind yourself that your are unique and capable of brilliant things.

Train yourself to be confident with positive affirmations by banishing negative self-talk.

Remember you can only do your best and that is all anyone ever expects. Your best is the best you can be.

Don’t listen to negativity. Choose to think positive thoughts over negatives by turning them around. Practice positivity.

Be grateful for what you already have. The grass is not always greener on the other side. It is greenest wherever you water it.

Remove toxic people if they refuse to see positivity in you. They’re not going in the same direction as you.

Dream big. You have only one life so it is time to start living your dream!

We are all big children. Being in touch with your inner child is a beautiful thing. Let go of the past hurts and be young again!

Here’s an idea, do something each day as though you were 5 again. Not a tantrum though, those are bad haha.

Practice self care. It is important and it gives you boost. You are so worth it.

Loving yourself and having a big ego are two hugely different things. Don’t be afraid to love yourself. You need to.

Treat others as equals and look at things from their perspective to try and understand. We are all human beings.

Start every day with gratitude and positivity.

Hope you like todays positivity and have a read of my post on gratitude and how it changed my life here.

You are amazing and don’t forget it!

Lots of love,

Ciara xxx

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What is Negative self talk and how can we overcome it?

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8 Comments

    1. Practice makes perfect, like everything. I still have to work on it all the time but it gets better and better as you go on

  1. I love that quote: “If you stumble, make it part of the dance.” My mom just messaged me something about life not being a dress rehearsal. Simple steps can make it a positive experience even if you mess up along the way.

    1. Cool, that’s it, you just give it your best shot and be positive for the best outcome 🙂

  2. Negative self talk is awful and can totally take you from feeling great to feeling worthless! Practice makes perfect at overcoming it.

    1. Hi Kelsey, that is so true, we need to give ourselves a good pep talk instead of bashing our self confidence